A friendly deceit – To The Guluge Siddha

August 31, 2010

Something I wrote when I was in college, and yes, it was to someone. I removed the last part from the original since it was a bit too preposterous.

Why do I feel that you are a hider?
when I try to think about you.
why are you being so much unreal,
why cant u let me through?

You lie at times, you hide at times,
simple is what you make me feel about you.
But don’t you feel you’re being a deception?
for the real one inside you.

Nothing confounds me like my thoughts
when I let it flow through you.
Coz you may demur about what we say you are
but my thoughts aren’t there to fall for you.

My thoughts bring me back a paradox
to add to the pain I’m going through.
I wonder are you the only one
or its just everyone are like you.

It doesn’t matter, really,
that “Ha! why the hell do I care”
but it’s not that easy
coz trust is what I want us to share.

Its just I want to know the reason
for you not being fair.
Is it you being jealous?
Or is it fear that you cant dare?

Advertisements

Oh! Weather

August 21, 2010

Oh! Weather, lazy Weather
making me feel so light like a feather.
I got things galore to move on
yet, in my mind you hang on.
Oh! Weather, you make me laze about you all day,
so lazy, so glad, too much others say.

At night I put up to see the stars,
but only to see you don the sky.
Oh! weather, I’m lost in my own stargaze,
I’m lost with warmth riding on your chilly gaze.

Now and then drops of water run through,
is it mine or from above?
The feather is no longer so light,
and it falls broken to the ground.

Sometimes the smell dies within the secluded hood
and sometimes it raises along with the mud
and I’m alone, cold from that fateful day.

Oh! Weather, crazy Weather,
can you put the feather back together?

A hearty Call

January 3, 2010

I am a bit sick today, with cold, chills and fever which is fueling my awry emotions. I tried to write a long poem, but my mind went blank after a single stanza. I thought of posting the poem after I finish it, but I have no idea of how its going to be or when will I finish it, if I ever! So I am posting the part I wrote. Hope I would continue writing it.

I fill your wagon of trust with mine,
I see your thoughts cross-by, by mine,
you add my silence to your language of thoughts,
can’t you hear it saying – will you be mine ?

A Consolatory talk

November 22, 2009

Note: This was as a result of telephonic conversation between me and a voice. I don’t intend to reveal who exactly the voice is, neither the context for which this conversation happened. What I say is what came out of it.

“What did I do?” the voice asked as I wandered around the terrace. I was thinking hard, flashes of memories appearing in front of my eyes and my mind pondering over them to frame an answer for such a seemingly simple question. I knew the circumstances which led to that question, yet the answer? I don’t know. Why would people do such a thing? Pitiful and immoral, I thought, that people tend to do, just to put a sign of ‘innocence‘, ‘I am damn right, always‘ and ‘I am better (than you)‘ in front of them, although they are made of whatever.

“Neele neele ambar par chaand jab aaye” – the song was being played with the guitar at the music school and me trying to pick up the notes. My mind wasn’t fully onto the picking, as usual. Its wandering part kept going back and forth between the office, weekend and movie that I was supposed to go next day evening. The mobile began to ring, “will call back after 10 minutes”, I said. It was almost time for heading home. On the way home, with hundreds of thoughts vying for my mind’s attention and overwhelming it, little did I realize what lay ahead.

I called back, the same voice picking up the phone. I heard Hello in a casual tone as with any call, but I felt a deep grief in what came next, although it tried its best to conceal it. I could feel the throat at the other side going dry, the voice trying to explain what had happened today. It took me a couple of seconds to understand the deepness of the voice’s grief, as I tried to find words to make the grief less deep. “Forget it, its ok” I wanted to say, but each time I tried to say this in the past, I got back “I’m not a machine”. “What did I do? Why is this happening to me? Why are people so ostentatious?” it asked.

Its an awkward situation to be in, when people who have gone through hard times asks you for a solution, they just want to speak out to someone – they wont listen to you intently, their minds consumed by their pitiful fate questioning how in the world would you know what they have gone through, how in the world will you know what they feel, for you haven’t been there, being them. The way one reacts to those times depends on what values they are made of.

A crucial thing is not to blame someone for their emotions – people seldom understand themselves better, let alone their emotions. You need to step into their shoes, their perspective and their thoughts to somehow try to understand what they feel. Their minds cannot think straight, it’s overwhelmed by fear, anger and helplessness of the situation. “I’m all alone in this” their minds think, constantly going back in time with a futile attempt to try to undo the done. It becomes hard to conclude what’s right and what’s wrong with such narrow thoughts, which leads to grimmer situation, lonely and depressed.

“I had told you before clearly what to do, it’s simple”, I said. The word simple would have made the voice curse me – its no simple, you wouldn’t understand a damn thing, you are in your own cozy little perfect life! Nobody’s life is perfect, not me, neither cozy nor little, the voice wouldn’t know all me. “How can I avoid just like that?” it said, “I can’t”. No one can do it just like that. It’s a slow, emotional process of convincing your mind to try to not think about it, eventually making it minuscule in the realms of the present. “You were sort of right, I didn’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t avoided it”, it said, “Things could have gone ugly”.

“Importance”, I said still trying to make sense of the events of the recent past, “is what people seek. Never give importance to things where you aren’t important“. Although this seems greedy – I too don’t agree with this in all situations, this situation demanded that. “When you stand among all, you want to be identified. More wealth, more respect you get and more likely to be noticed for, that’s the reason for their flaunt behavior. They want your attention on them, the very reason why I told you to avoid. This will affect them more than what berating would have done them. They want to show you how innocent they are, how damned right they are, how far better they are, although, I wouldn’t say further. Ignorance is Bliss, Avoidance is heavenly“. The voice listened with a confused silence on its side only to reply back “you didn’t say all these to me before. I couldn’t convince myself completely to your words. Why didn’t you tell me?” I smelled distrust in the air – the voice wasn’t fully into what I had told in the past. How would I know? it would think. I never tried to answer that question, “you wouldn’t have understood then”, I said – it couldn’t I had thought.

Life is the best teacher. You will be perfect in lessons it has thought. No one can beat you down on that, that too when it has thought the hard way. The voice had a bitter, rather a hard experience. An experience would be a lesson in itself, although the lessons learnt depends on reflections on the experience – reflections which are subjective, still you would at least know the bitter truth – the truth behind such experience. And also there’s the fact that the voice believes it’s the only one who has had such a thing in life. The very same reason it can’t accept what others say about it – “How in the world would they know?”

“I always feel like bawling out at them, but I do hold back as you want me to. The way they talk tends me to do that each time. Yes, they want me to do that, but why?” the voice asked again, still with a lot of questions, still with anger and somehow not convinced with my words. The thought of smell-of-distrust came back to me, a bit aggravated. This time I had to make sure that my words didn’t go in vain. The voice replied “It’s not a question of trust, for that matter you are the only one who knows about this apart from me and those people. It’s just – How would you know all to make it so simple, it isn’t”. “I do know it’s not simple”, I said, “and I don’t expect everything to be sorted out overnight. But you are making it harder for yourself by not being simple. You are hurting yourself by your own delusions”.

I was feeling a bit tired. I kept mum for a while, hopelessly pondering over events again and again going nowhere whilst the voice made more revelations about the past. “Interesting”, I thought – somewhere deep inside my brain, a spark had generated. Things suddenly started to make sense. They are guilty of something, they don’t want to take it all alone and they want to put some blame on the voice. I did this and you did that, we both are equally guilty, they would say. The reason for these to come up is that sometime before, the voice had revealed about one particular event (of course the voice didn’t want to reveal me everything!). “How happy they were when I said I would do this”, the voice had told me, “as if they want me do it”. If that would truly have happened, it would have annihilated all the guilt in them, leaving them in no state to repent what they had done. “Indeed!” the voice replied, “No wonder they wanted me to”.

The deep grief that once loomed over the voice now had been made less deep. It was more confident, more precise when compared to all the mutterings it had done in the beginning (it just wanted to speak out), more listening and more logical. “I don’t know whether I can remain true to your words in all situations”, the voice had told before an hour long call ended. What would that mean? Is it a possibility of going back? Or is it that if it was faced with similar situation in a different context, the words won’t have any effect? I wouldn’t know for sure. After all it was its life and its decisions. Just a sense of hope, even in your delusions would make you cling to it. It could at-least sleep tonight in tranquility without any of these haunting it, I thought. They aren’t any worth to be kept in mind, to be thought about, the voice would be trying to say to itself, lying in bed, as the vision of the real world fades away and memories starts playing in front of its eyes.

Sakaleshpura – A Splendid ‘green route’ trek

October 28, 2009

Sakleshapur or Sakaleshpura is a small town in Hassan district  in the Southern Indian state of Karnataka. Its known for two things (I know only two 🙂 )

– Tippu Sultan’s Majarabad Fort

– The Green route Trek

The plan to go to sakaleshpur was quite old with us. That trip had been cancelled twice, once since sumanth he had an accident on the very evening we were supposed to leave (he took his bike on that fateful day to office instead of office cab) and once more because Ganesh had fallen ill. Thinking that sakaleshpur was jinxed for us, we decided to switch the plan to Kodachadri. Well, again luck wasn’t on our side. This time it was me who was the reason to cancel it. But we didn’t quite give up the idea (after all the stories, photos and blogs about it). We’ll go for the next trip no matter what, we decided and finally on friday night we were at the majestic bus terminal looking for a bus to sakaleshpur.

It was around 8PM when I reached Ganesh’s house in Jayanagar 4th block. We left from there at around 9  (yepp 9!!!), thanks for Sumanth being late and the last minute shopping for batteries and reached majestic by 9:30PM. There, I met Vignesh for the first time – he had reached majestic by 8:45PM. He wasn’t that mad, he knew Sumanth well I guess.

We wished to travel in a ‘comfortable bus’, but not volvo (after that dreadful Infosys accident). We decided to board the mangalore bus, but due to rains all those were routed through madikeri and not through sakaleshpur. We were left with no option but with express buses (saarige). All through the journey the bus grumbled with each dents of the Indian roads and there was a rock band performing in the back of the bus (we thought). We boarded the bus just before few minutes it left and hence could only manage seats near the back tyre. The seats behind us were unoccupied.

We reached sakaleshpur’s old bus stand at around 3:30AM early in the morning. After some searching, we were at our room, tired and sleepy. We were ready by 6:15AM and with a few snaps outside guest house, we headed for the railway track.

There was some confusion regarding how far ‘Donigal’ was. Donigal is the starting point where the trek begins. Some said it was 8Kms from where we were and some said it was just 2Kms. We stupidly asked an autodriver (never ask them if you intend to take their auto). His charge would be more than Rs.100. I guess he didn’t know that were from Bangalore and we ‘knew’ how truthful auto drivers are. I plainly said a ‘NO’ for I knew it wasn’t so far and we started walking along the highway with Ganesh and his younger brother Girish taking a few snaps of the houses and scenery adjoining the highway. After some 20 mins and with no destination in sight we didn’t know what else to do. We stopped an auto in the middle of highway and Sumanth was able to convince him for Rs.60.

We started the trek at Donigal at 7:30AM. The road crosses the railway track through an over bridge near Donigal station and from then on they part ways. We were all very much excited, finally after all the cancellations that had happened before, we were on the track walking the green route. It was too good to be true. The first bridge that we hit was an awesome and scary experience. Walking on the metal plate in the middle of the track on the bridge was indeed scary. Although you get adjusted to the ‘scary’ part as you cross so many bridges, yet the awe remains the same.

The 'Start'

Start of the Green Route at Donigal

SaklespurCAnon 045 (Small)

First of the many overbridges along Green Route

SaklespurCAnon 081 (Small)

A Tunnel - the pitch black inside cannot be seen in Bangalore nights

SaklespurCAnon 198 (Small)

Yepp, its breathtaking...

All along the way, the sun was playing hide and seek behind the watery walls of the clouds, which at times leaked. But it dint play spoilsport for we loved it. It added to the mystic beauty of the place. The dripping walls of the tunnels, small streams flowing beside, small waterfalls, the super cool but not cold weather, the chilly breeze, painful legs, the lush green lives, hundreds of poses for the camera, the gossips, the teasing, the songs and the singing, the ‘where-next-to-stop-for-eating’ and the never ending track  all came into one place, the Green Route.

It was around 3:30 in the afternoon when we reached Yedakumari. It was raining heavily. We rested for a while only to know that the only way out through the forest was not possible since the river or the lake or whatever is full. We asked a few of them about ‘is it that dangerous’, they all replied same, it is. I wanted to see how ‘full’ it was, but that needed us to walk for a while (we would have to walk more than half the supposed distance from station to highway) and then turn back (if its indeed dangerous). So that was out of question. We were very tired (not full time trekkers), we did not want to stay there for the night and trek back! to sakaleshpur or trek towards subramanya. We had others plans for the next day. So, after a lot of heated arguments between us and the railway people (station master and some damned guys), hungry and frustrated, we reached back sakaleshpur at 1:15Am early morning.

Next Morning, I woke up with a headache and a few bed bug bites over my body (damn, I dint clean up the bed, I was too tired) only to know from the ‘methi’ that the same episode had happened to some other group just two weeks back (I dint know how to react to this,  why dint he said this before we left for trek yesterday?).  After breakfast, we headed for Manjarabad fort in an auto. The fort was built by Tippu Sultan and is one of the favourite shooting spots.

SaklespurCAnon 317 (Small)

Manjarabad Fort

SaklespurCAnon 396 (Small)

Kadamane - Tea Estate

Next, we headed for a Tea Estate – thanks to the previous auto driver who poisoned minds of Sumanth and Girish – nearby (Kadamane) which is open for visitors only on sunday. It cost us 500 bucks in an auto which would drop us back to sakaleshpur after kadamane visit. On the way to estate, the auto driver proudly showed us a picture frame of him with Ganesh (Kannada movie actor), which was taken in that tea estate some weeks back with him being the one of the goondas (he looked so in reality too) who gets his thing kicked by hero. He blabbered all along the way with topics ranging from ‘bad-habits of a Man’ to ‘those movies’ to whatever came to his mind. All I – sitting beside him in the front! – did was to nod, trying to ignore him, wandering my eyes to the surroundings, with my hand hurting, helping me not to fall off and my mind hoping we reach the tea estate soon.

We came back to sakaleshpur at around 6:30 in the evening. The journey back in that fateful auto was dreadful. The auto would shut off every few meters – because of adulterated petrol – and driver trying to get it somehow to start. After an endless of such stop-go, the auto gave up. The driver put us in an another auto which took 8 people! from there to Sakaleshpur.

At the old bus stand, a few buses were already headed for Bangalore, but we still needed to pack up. The next set of buses for Bangalore was at around 10 PM. We went back to guest house, packed up and headed out for dinner, after which we attended a function open to public (only a few people were present in a big hall). The idyllic tone of one of the female singers and the mesmerizing lyrics still sounds in my ears, Sumanth says. After a long wait for ‘comfortable bus’ in new bus stand (we wanted to avoid endless flow of saarige buses heading to Bangalore, the Rajahamsa buses were full), we boarded a ‘supposed-to-be-comfortable-by-the-looks’ private bus only to realize the other way. I hooked onto music and slept, only to be awakened then and now by some stops. We finally reached Bangalore at 5:15 AM early morning.

Hello world!

October 27, 2009

After a lot of *thoughts*, I too (like millions) finally decided to write up whats in my head and to give a try at an interesting world of *writing*, to put in short ‘to blog’.